Star-Spangled Dancer

Revising an ageless anthem with a poetic twist

After five years, you would think I’d have mastered the emotional ambush of a predictable holiday. After all, the Fourth of July is set in stone, a bright red circle on the calendar. Yet every summer, a cascade of emotions flares up, and I find myself longing for the happier days. Standing solo in a crowd, bombarded by parades, picnics, and brass bands, I’m left feeling like a fizzled-out sparkler.

For years Jim and I sat together at Pops in the park, humming to patriotic songs, waiting for the night sky to light up. Even in the audience, Jim was the real musician, singing along with his perfect pitch. Although I struggled with the tunes, my off-key melodies never seemed to bother him.

When Jim took his last breath in 2021, a big part of the music died with him. I stopped singing. I stopped eating. Some days I stopped breathing. Widow’s fog was real, keeping me completely out of tune, as useless as a match dropped in a puddle.

That first July without Jim, I sat on our front porch swing, inhaling the last fragrance of his favorite summer lilacs. In a nearby bush, crickets kept time with patriotic tunes drifting from my neighbor’s yard. Instead of hearing the music as somber, I caught a wave of energy from those old anthems. Hymns of courage and chaos. Songs of resilience and remembrance.

For the first time without Jim to back me up, a familiar note burst from my raspy throat. Tentative at first, my voice grew stronger with each round of The Star-Spangled Banner. Intuition took over as the lyrics took on a life of their own, morphing into a personalized dance of freedom. Before the feeling could slip away, I jotted the lyrics down in a notebook, channeling Jim’s songwriting spirit.

Every Fourth of July since, I’ve pulled the poem out of hiding, restructuring and revising, feeling its pulse come alive once again. This year, decked out in a faded red, white, and blue sundress, I rehearsed in front of a mirror, starry-eyed and wondering if my star-spangled tribute will ever be shared from a stage, and who might be watching from the crowd.

I like to imagine Jim cheering from a grandstand, encouraging me to keep dancing and singing, off-key and all.

Although I’d be stepping up to the microphone by myself, I know I’m never alone.

Star-Spangled Dancer

Oh Self, can you see?
With your own inner light
What so proudly you dared
To release while you’re dreamin’

With dark thoughts and false starts
Through the perils of night
O’er the promises lost
In a search for new meaning

In the throes of despair
Grief bombs bursting in terror
Gave proof to your heart
That the song was still there

Oh say does your Soul tango
Shattered yet brave
For a life filled with love
Forever dances in grace